growl.

Dec. 19th, 2005 10:12 pm
daniwithtea: (broken)
I'm cranky, and tired, and moody. That was your warning to run away.

I went to pay the bills today (because I didn't pay them last week when we got paid like I should have) and discovered some things that I fucked up last month, probably because I was so damn busy with work that I didn't know which was was up. So I'm popping Buspar because money is one of THE triggers, the ones that set me off and make me go kaplooey into evil, melodramatic, crazy in the literal sense Dani. And I'm pissed. Not only because I fucked up the bills, but because after all this time, it's still the same damn triggers that get me, money being the biggest of them all. Logically I know that being able to see "ooh, that's a big trigger, possible freak-out ahead, take your anti-anxiety drugs NOW" and do it is a good thing. I guess I just wish I didn't have those triggers anymore, feel like I should have gotten a handle on them somehow. All fires are out, everything that needs paying has been paid, s'all good on the surface.

There's something else nagging at me, that I didn't realize was bothering me so much until I vented at one of the girls at work today about it. All of our friends (IRL, LJ, and otherwise) have been very much "whee!" at the ring/party/presents concept. But our families, those who know so far, have been more along the lines of "oh, that's nice."

Um, 'scuse me?

How is it that y'all love us both to death, treat us as an old married couple, and then when it comes down to this, it's just "nice? I don't fucking think so. I've been through this deal before, and I seem to remember it being a little different last time. I want to know what the deal is. Stand up and say it if you've got a problem with it. Don't act like it doesn't bother you and treat us both like the family of bitter old dykes we are for two and a half fucking years and then act wierd because we want to have a party. It'll be interesting to get the rest of the reactions over the holidays.

As a random aside, Brian Setzer's drummer looks like Elvis Costello. Very strange.

For something completely non-ranty, I'm not going to have a chance to send out winter holiday goodies this year; however, my mom and i will be baking cookies in February (since we couldn't do our normal holiday numminess), so if you want goodies then, including our Magical Mint Cookies (secret family recipe), let me know.

ETA: I don't know what happened with the formatting there, but it's better now.
daniwithtea: (i have nothing in my head)
can you fucking believe that in the middle of the Hurricane Katrina tragedy, A&E has the balls to air "A chronicle of the final 102 minutes of New York's World Trade Center on September 11th, 2001, beginning with the crash of the first terrorist plane into the North Tower."

Right...because this nation isn't already glued to their television sets watching death and tragedy. We needed more of that right now.

Assholes.

EDIT: Not to be outdone, The History Channel is running "Tsunami 2004: Waves of Death" in the same time slot.
daniwithtea: (me and my pussy)
the gallon of gravy is made, and bagged, and chilling. the glasses are washed and packed, as is as much of the serveware and stuff that i can pack this far in advance. there's another load of stuff finishing in the dishwasher. tomorrow after work, i do last-minute produce shopping, chop herbs, make sauce for ziti, roast the beef, slice the beef and the ham, make the sauces/broths for the chicken and beef, bake the rolls. [livejournal.com profile] fuzzybutchkins gets to unpack and pack the car(s) while i cook. saturday morning, get up nice and early, trim and bake the chicken, assemble the ziti (including boiling the pasta), make mashed potatoes, pack the rest of the crap. [livejournal.com profile] fuzzybutchkins gets to make the rice and haul more shit around. then we head to the site, cut the fruit, unpack all the shit, reheat and plate everything, bake the ziti, cook the beans, make the coffee, assemble the punch. Lunch service is at 1:45 (buffet). after lunch is done, while the attendees are doing the socializing-and-presents thing, we clean up, pack up, smoke lots, make sure the water pitchers stay full. Then we cut and serve the cake, pack up the glasses, and go the hell home. event's over at 5. there will be takeout for dinner.

i'm already exhausted, and i haven't *done* anything yet. every event i do, i hit this point where i ask why i do this (it's certainly not for the money), why i put my body through this. i always push through it, and once i get in the kitchen the day of, i'm sailing. feeding people...there's something spiritual about it for me, a giving, a connecting, that i just don't get anywhere else.

wow, i'm tired. there was a rant there, a stream of conciousness that i just lost. time to empty the dishwasher and put myself to bed.
daniwithtea: (i have nothing in my head)
it's strange how history repeats itself, and at the same time, how time can make all the difference.

three years ago this summer, i was working. a lot. staying late at the office, working nights and weekends at home, tethered to my cell phone 24/7. boo warred with my computer for space on my lap. i was under enormous stress, and exhausted. somewhere in the middle of it all, i was cooking for a while bunch of people. this year, i'm doing exactly the same thing.

there's a lot of differences, though. in 2002, while i may have gotten a vacation (a week at pennsic that i literally slept through, when i wasn't on my cell phone with the office), i didn't have any support. my office was a particular kind of hell where they didn't believe i was doing enough. of course, they were also telling me how to dress more feminine and lose weight, and making homophobic comments. in 2005, i have a super-supportive boss, who'll knock himself over to make sure i'm not doing too much, and apologize a thousand times whenever he thinks i am. he also tells me to go to bed when we're emailing back and forth at midnight. and there are other differences that i'm too tired to type.

the most important difference deserves a mention, though. now, i'm happy. i'm fucking happy. and that makes all the difference in the world.

gaydom

Jul. 30th, 2005 01:14 am
daniwithtea: (she feels everything)
this week at work we had mandatory harassment awareness training. the presentor had a chart showing all the things covered under our company's harassment policy, and went over all the things once by one. what he left off the chart was sexual orientation, which is covered in the policy. so i raised my hand to ask him why exactly he was skipping that. he pointed to me and said "yes, sir?" it wasn't until he corrected himself and said "yes, ma'am?" that i realized what he said. a strange moment, that was. the harassment training lawyer getting upset because he thought (correctly, in this case) that he spoke the wrong gender. in this situation, it was weird, because it obviously made him uncomfortable. it's amusing to me how the same gender question a few weeks ago at nolose would have been a courtesy rather than a mistake. anyway, he hemmed and hawed about how he "forgot" to add that to his board, and said a little blurb about sexual orientation, yadda yadda yadda. it pissed me off because he had done probably a dozen classes with that board before the one I attended. the other thing that pissed me off was when he made a statement - went on some length, actually - about how there are two genders: "you're either a man, or you're a woman. there's only two." But, having just outed myself to a few dozen co-workers and execs, I didn't have the balls to argue gender theory with a corporate lawyer.

on a slight tangent from that, there is the matter of my forthcoming sister, and her uber-catholic relatives. quick recap: my dad's wife's family has their religion shoved so far up their asses that until a few weeks ago they were refusing to acknowledge their grandchild, because she was conceived out of wedlock. that has changed, and i'm glad for my dad's wife's sake. now maternal grandma-to-be is throwing the baby shower. i got the invitation in the mail, and it was addressed only to me. not wanting to fuck things up between baby-mom and baby-grandma inadvertently, i called my dad and asked if [livejournal.com profile] fuzzybutchkins was invited to the shower or not. he said that yes, she was invited, and that he and baby-mom want us both to be there, but that we are just to be "friends" at the shower. my dad made it very clear that this was not a reflection on what he and his wife think, and i truly believe that. he says they haven't told her parents yet because for the time being, what they don't know won't hurt them. i asked him if he realized that they were going to have to know eventually, and he said yes, but that could wait. in a way, i understand this. i do. i want baby-mom to have a good relationship with her family, because they're important to her. a happy mommy makes for a happy baby, and that baby is my sister, damnit, so she'd better be happy. so when i called baby-grandma to rsvp, i told her that "my dad said i could bring my roommate". i felt like i was back in college. and i need to remember to call my relatives that will be there, so they know that we're just "roommates" that day. but part of me wants to scream, "what the fuck?!" this is my kid sister we're talking about here, and i will never be anyone other than who i am to her. she will never know mer as my rommate. she'll know her as her sister out-law, or whatever better term we come up with by the time the kid has concepts for such things. come the holidays, am i going to have to spend a few uncomfortable hours pretending i'm somebody else? yeah, it'll take a couple years before paige gets the concept. but after a few years of showing up to everything with the same "roommate", i have a sneaking suspicion that her parents might figure it out. and so all my fears about the back-and-forth of what this kid's going to have to listen to growing up have come back to smack me upside the head, just as i'm crashing down off a week lived entirely on adrenaline, long hours, and yoghurt smoothies. fuck.

tomorrow (or, more accurately, today) and Sunday, we're going away to mer's parents' place at the shore, where i can smoke like a chimney, curse like a sailor, lose myself in a book, and be the fat dyke that i am.
daniwithtea: (she feels everything)
What was a short week in theory was a very long one. I worked a lot, too hard, and I lost it on Mer last night. I'm so fucking stressed over so much shit, and I was an ass and let it build up until I was a shaky, bawling mess. I'm better now, I guess, but there's still a part of me that wonders if I'm going to make it through the next few months with my sanity intact. I need to set limits for myself, boundaries in therapy speak, and remember that sometimes I just have to stop. I'm not built to work like a psycho, physically or mentally. I have to take care of myself. And reread this twenty times a day.

I need to remember to calm the fuck down, so this meme hits particularly close to home today. )

For tonight, fuck work. Fuck the NoLose presentation. Fuck the bills. Fuck the housework. Fuck the laundry.
I have ice cream, and two new Neopets Happy Meal toys, and a bunch of things on that list. And, most importantly, a kick-ass, patient girlfriend who sits next to me and listens to me rant and rave, holds me when I cry, and reads me to sleep when it needs doing.

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