daniwithtea: (me and my pussy)
trying to squeeze every bit of not-school, not-work stuff i can into a day when i'm dealign with pain issues that don't want me off the couch is, well, difficult. got some grocery shopping done after i dropped mer off at the train station, and trashed* the living room & my desk. after taking care of some stuff online, i decided to be smart and check the weather in dallas, where i'll be headed in two weeks. well, shit. it never occurred to me that it would be cold there. all these off-site meetings are always in warm places. and crap, my meeting wardrobe is much more suited to september in palm springs and vegas than to texas in february were it's apparently 40 degrees

so, for my own reference, here's what i have to work with and what I need, so I can fill in the gaps in the next two weeks...
need:
M - bottom (khakis) & top (brown stripe knit turtleneck)
T - bottom & top; dress or pantsuit for dinner
W - bottom & top
R - bottom & top
F - bottom (khakis) & top; jeans & t-shirt for breakdown; sweatshirt or fleece for flight

items to work with:
black skirt with black jacket - need top & hose
black stripey suit - need top
blue pattern skirt - need top & hose
turquoise pattern skirt - need top & hose
grey knit sweaterdress - need hose

*in our house, to trash is to collate mail and empty boxes and stuff and place it in trash bags. it is not used in the conventional sense.
daniwithtea: (broken)
i've been doing PT for a few weeks now, trying to "retrain my muscles into thinking that working is good", or so says my chipper (but nice) therapist. the first week was hell, but it's been better since then, and i'm enjoying the physical activity, plus loving the idea that i might actually be able to open a jar one day without fucking my shoulder up.

on wednesday, my knees had been bothering me all day, and my back was spasming. after an hour of "gentle stretches" at PT, I had trouble driving home and even more trouble getting up the stairs. yesterday both my knees and my back were better, so i made a quick run to get groceries. checking out, i reached into the cart to grab my yogurt - and pulled a muscle in my shoulder that's been sending out sharp pain signals ever since.

i had a moment last night where i stressed about the PT, and what it's doing, and not doing for me; yeah, i know it takes time, yadda yadda, but i'm just so damn tired of hurting myself and not being able to do shit.

then this morning the alarm went off, i got up to reset it for 15 minutes later (7:15), and ended up setting it for 8:00, which i when i needed to be at pt. not because i was tired, but because i just didn't care. i didn't even call to reschedule until almost 11 this morning.

i'm wrestling with myself now. why is it so much easier to see what needs to be done, do it, and recognize the progress in other areas of my life than it is here? i don't just blow off appointments with my psychiatrist, and i never "don't feel like" taking my meds - hell, i positively freak out if i forget to take them. why is it so damn hard to push myself through this?

in other news, i told my boss this morning that i am officially (if only momentarily) out of things to do. i expect a pile of overflow on my desk momentarily.
daniwithtea: (she feels everything)
What was a short week in theory was a very long one. I worked a lot, too hard, and I lost it on Mer last night. I'm so fucking stressed over so much shit, and I was an ass and let it build up until I was a shaky, bawling mess. I'm better now, I guess, but there's still a part of me that wonders if I'm going to make it through the next few months with my sanity intact. I need to set limits for myself, boundaries in therapy speak, and remember that sometimes I just have to stop. I'm not built to work like a psycho, physically or mentally. I have to take care of myself. And reread this twenty times a day.

I need to remember to calm the fuck down, so this meme hits particularly close to home today. )

For tonight, fuck work. Fuck the NoLose presentation. Fuck the bills. Fuck the housework. Fuck the laundry.
I have ice cream, and two new Neopets Happy Meal toys, and a bunch of things on that list. And, most importantly, a kick-ass, patient girlfriend who sits next to me and listens to me rant and rave, holds me when I cry, and reads me to sleep when it needs doing.

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daniwithtea

September 2008

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