growl.

Dec. 19th, 2005 10:12 pm
daniwithtea: (broken)
I'm cranky, and tired, and moody. That was your warning to run away.

I went to pay the bills today (because I didn't pay them last week when we got paid like I should have) and discovered some things that I fucked up last month, probably because I was so damn busy with work that I didn't know which was was up. So I'm popping Buspar because money is one of THE triggers, the ones that set me off and make me go kaplooey into evil, melodramatic, crazy in the literal sense Dani. And I'm pissed. Not only because I fucked up the bills, but because after all this time, it's still the same damn triggers that get me, money being the biggest of them all. Logically I know that being able to see "ooh, that's a big trigger, possible freak-out ahead, take your anti-anxiety drugs NOW" and do it is a good thing. I guess I just wish I didn't have those triggers anymore, feel like I should have gotten a handle on them somehow. All fires are out, everything that needs paying has been paid, s'all good on the surface.

There's something else nagging at me, that I didn't realize was bothering me so much until I vented at one of the girls at work today about it. All of our friends (IRL, LJ, and otherwise) have been very much "whee!" at the ring/party/presents concept. But our families, those who know so far, have been more along the lines of "oh, that's nice."

Um, 'scuse me?

How is it that y'all love us both to death, treat us as an old married couple, and then when it comes down to this, it's just "nice? I don't fucking think so. I've been through this deal before, and I seem to remember it being a little different last time. I want to know what the deal is. Stand up and say it if you've got a problem with it. Don't act like it doesn't bother you and treat us both like the family of bitter old dykes we are for two and a half fucking years and then act wierd because we want to have a party. It'll be interesting to get the rest of the reactions over the holidays.

As a random aside, Brian Setzer's drummer looks like Elvis Costello. Very strange.

For something completely non-ranty, I'm not going to have a chance to send out winter holiday goodies this year; however, my mom and i will be baking cookies in February (since we couldn't do our normal holiday numminess), so if you want goodies then, including our Magical Mint Cookies (secret family recipe), let me know.

ETA: I don't know what happened with the formatting there, but it's better now.

Samhain.

Nov. 1st, 2005 12:01 am
daniwithtea: (she feels everything)
With all my focus on "November! November!", I almost forgot that today is Samhain. I had some things I'd put off last year and the year before...maybe I put it off, or maybe the time just wasn't right until now. Maybe I just wasn't ready. Tonight, I lit a candle, got myself a bucket of water, and brought out The Box. The Box has been sitting in my closet for over two years now. It moved from Green Lane to Downingtown with me. In a lot of ways, it moved farther than that. The Box held remnants of my last relationship, pre-Mer, pre-hospital, pre-meds. It held notes, a grocery list, a t-shirt, some stickers, hard copies of emails, and other various detritus that accumulated during that particular two years in my life. They were my first female lovers, my intro to bdsm, a two-year whirlwind of love and anger and sex and tears and....just a lot. Things I've been holding on to, not just physically.

So tonight, in true "Dani celebrates a holiday" fashion, I set it on fire.

I remembered the good and the bad. I gave thanks for everything I learned, and for all the love that was there. I went over each piece of that life and the memories that went with it. And as I watched it burn, I let it all go with the smoke.

I read a blessing from my Celtic Devotional, and read my personal Samhain piece, which was (rather ironically) originally written for what became our last Samhain together. Then I asked Mer to come in, and I re-read a shorter version of that same Samhain piece. I blew out the candle, we dumped the water and ashes into The Box on top of everything that couldn't safely be burned, and Mer took it out of the house for me.

I have a headache (I always do after ritual), and I can feel the irritation in my lungs from all the smoke, but it's done, and I feel good.

For those who celebrate, and those who don't - Blessed Samhain. )

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